2017 – Friendships & Belonging

Last week I opened up and shared how tough last year was on my marriage! But here I am about to write honestly about my friendships and the community I am a part of and I am terrified.

I want to start off by saying that this post is not about calling people out or challenging people in my life who have been supportive to our journey.

I feel called to share my experience, the good and the bad, and that will always be laced with my humanity. I am not perfect and have not handled a lot of things in a good and honest way. I am working on restoring and healing and this post is a big part of that. If you read this and are upset, please reach out to me!We moved to Colorado 4 years ago with bright eyes and open hearts. We quickly met a lot of amazing people (which is no easy feat when you go to a church as big as ours!) and we started making fast friends. Will and I had moved from our college town where we had built relationships over 4 years with friends who knew us so well! We naively thought that making friends in our 20s would be similar to making friends in college.

Looking back now we can see how much we wear our hearts on our sleeves. We open up really easily and while I personally think that is so important to building friendships…I am learning that vulnerability is not the norm! We tend to be intense (but guarded) and (brutally) honest and it is received in lots of different ways!

It is really easy to get to know people when you share similar interests and do not have the responsibility of parenthood. After being in Colorado for a year, we started the process to get approved to adopt. At the same time most of our friends also decided they were ready to become parents. It was a really exciting time!

Our friends got pregnant and we talked about raising up our kids together. They all had their beautiful babies and we were all  still hopeful that we would be parents soon. However, it took us that year to realize that we were signed up with an unethical adoption agency that ended up taking our money and left us with nothing.

When your friends have children and you are struggling with infertility and the long wait that comes with adoption, every pregnancy and birth is bittersweet. You are so excited for them to start their families, but at the same time you feel your longing for a baby of your own more and more. It breaks you down little by little to the point that you cannot even bear another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. But you soldier on!

You throw baby showers and you volunteer to babysit and offer up your love and support! You go to 1 year old birthday parties and watch all your friends takes photos with their babies and it pushes you away. You see the playdates and the pool parties and the gatherings on Instagram and Facebook and you sit at home and cry. You are not included because you don’t have that one important criteria that binds all your friends…

you are not a mother

You don’t have a positive pregnancy test or an ultrasound to prove that you are expecting a baby…just mountains of paperwork and endless hope.So I pulled back and started investing in other friendships. These friends were younger and only just either dating, recently engaged or newlyweds and I did not have to worry about being left out because nobody had kids. But these friendships had their own challenges.

Will and I have been married for over 6 years now…and yes that might not seem like along time compared to most; but our needs and wants are different than a couple who has only recently been married. They are not thinking about becoming parents just yet…where as we are on the precipice…waiting to adopt and not sure how imminent it might be! So as much as I wanted to invest in these friendships…part of me held back.

How would a newlywed support us as new parents? Would they understand the sacrifice we would have to make with our friendships just trying to survive with a newborn?

And our friends who now have toddlers and older kids…would we still be left behind once we adopted? Would I finally receive those wanted invitations or would we be forever living on the outside looking in?

Its one thing to feel so incredibly supported by prayers and well wishes (keep them coming!) but its another thing to find a friend who will get in the trenches with you…those friends who have already walked the path we are taking…or the friends that are there for you in your lowest and help talk you out of your despair and hopelessness. With all the hardship we have faced with building a community over the past 4 years, we have been blessed by a few. Some of them share our experiences and some of them do not…

Infertility can be debilitating and life-destroying. It can destroy your marriage, impact your friendships, and warp your entire identity. If you have been blessed with a family and know someone who is struggling to start their own…be sensitive and be present. Do not go out of your way to isolate them any further. Don’t just think of them often but be there for them in the ups and downs…because man its a constant rollercoaster!

For me, infertility has taken away my sense of belonging. In not being included, I have felt unworthy and unwanted. My value was entirely in how my friends saw me…and not being a mom with them almost destroyed me. Adoption will always set me apart. I will never have the shared experience of growing our child and bringing them into the world. I do not get to control what impacts our baby before they are given to us.

Over the past couple of months I have realized that my story is different than most. I am no longer looking for acceptance and worth from others…but from the creator who has all things in his own time. I am investing in the people who have been a part of my messy and broken story…and I am grateful for them!

 

Ashley xoxo

2017 – Love & Marriage

Will and I celebrated our 6 Year Wedding Anniversary on July 23, 2017. Everyone warned us about the 7-year itch and that we should prepare ourselves for a hard year. What nobody knew was that we were already in the thick of it. We had been carrying over 4 years of disappointment in not being able to conceive and then struggling to adopt. We also got to a point in our marriage that we realized we had run out of things to share and say. It was not exciting anymore.

Daily life was such a routine and there was no romance. We fought about everything…and not just arguments but full blown shouting matches where we upped the anti with idle threats and hurtful verbal attacks. I just kept praying so hard that I would find something to love about my husband. How do you continue to love someone when you have the hardest time even liking them.

There is nothing more isolating than being in a marriage that is deteriorating. You go from being soulmates to strangers and eventually to enemies. We picked apart everything that the other person did and said. I felt so hopeless and alone. Every conversation we had with each other about our marriage turned into a fight and I was way too proud to talk to anyone about it or seek out counseling.

Looking back now, I said and did some pretty shameful things. I let a lot of my disappointments in my life take root and spoil the good things I had been given. And honestly I could not tell you what has changed. My husband and I are finally coming out of the fog that was the last year. I can say its nothing that either of us has done…but by the grace of God we are picking up the pieces and rebuilding our marriage. But it is not something that can be fixed over night.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
-Mignon McLaughlin

Marriage takes effort and marriage comes with growing pains. Will and I essentially grew up together, but we also grew apart. We are not the same two people who stood together 6 years ago and made our vows. But even though we might have changed, our commitment is constant. We have to work hard to be intentional with each other…to re-learn how to love and support one another. We are not where we were a year ago and we are not where we want to be yet.

Fight for your marriage even when it seems like all hope is lost.

I have been so blessed in who my husband is as a person: loyal, strong-willed, funny, lovable, and highly-skilled. What excites me the most is how amazing he is going to be as a father to our kids.

xoxo Ashley

 

2017- The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

As I reflect over the past year, I see a lot of new beginnings and wonderful memories. My brother got married to his high-school sweetheart and I gained a gorgeous new sister. We got off of the waiting list and were approved with a new agency. Our hearts were so full with all the friends and family that visited. We went to New York and had the chance at seeing our favorite actor perform in an incredible musical. We went on a cruise with 22 of my family members and explored different parts of the Mexican Riviera.

But 2017 was also a really hard year. 2017 is the year my marriage almost broke down completely. It is the year my health began to deteriorate again. 2017 is the year we thought we would become parents….really really thought we would! Its also the year that friendships changed and ended and we doubted our place here in this small but growing town. 2017 was the year that my integrity was challenged at work. It was also the year that I felt the most isolated and alone.

I was so happy to put 2017 behind me…and naively thought that it would take all of its struggles and hardships with it. But pain does not follow a calendar. And I am finding out that a lot of the issues are still present with me. So to help me process this past year and to bring all of my brokenness out into the light where I can hopefully heal…I am going write.

These are the posts I have been avoiding writing. This is me at my most vulnerable and this is me completely broken.

Over the next few of weeks I will be sharing a couple of posts about the hardships I have endured over the past year. It is going to be messy and show a part of me that most people have not seen. My hope is that by me sharing my story, it will help someone else be brave in sharing theirs.

If this finds you in your brokenness, know that you are not alone and that there is always hope…even when its not visible.

Thank you as always for allowing me to be vulnerable.

xoxo Ashley

 

Waiting…An Adoption Update

This post was written back in September and I am finally sharing it with you all.


https://www.lfsrm.org/will-and-ashley/

I took a little break from sharing our story over the summer. We were officially approved with Lutheran Family Services at the end of May, paid our first two installments and became active on their website. This summer was crazy busy with family and friends visiting from England and traveling to different places for weddings and holidays. I was convinced that we would match and have our baby placed with us during the three weeks that Will’s parents were visiting. Each day passed by and the dream started to feel less possible.

Well here we are in September, I am back at work as a Special Education Teaching Assistant and am way more distracted with my 9-5. We had our book looked at about a month ago. Our book is a 20 page photo album that I created. It covers our story (how we met and fell in love), our families, who we are as a couple, what we love to do and how we think we will parent one day. The book is shown to expectant mothers who are making an adoption plan for their unborn/born baby. The expectant mother chooses the family to place her child with from those books. We worked really hard on our book as it is our only voice and platform to connect with our future birth mom.


View Our Book Here

With our agency, we have set up parameters for what we are comfortable with in regards to matching with our baby. Those parameters deal with drug and alcohol exposure, with age, gender, and disability. We spent time researching and praying before we decided what we were and were not comfortable with, and that was not an easy task. When a potential expectant mother decides to place with our agency, they find the families that fit with her story and situation. They take the photo books of those families and share them with the expectant mother. She then chooses the one she feels would be the best to parent her child.

So our book was looked at in August for the first time. We were not the family that she chose.

With our parameters that we set, we also decided that we would be open to crisis situations. A crisis situation is most likely a situation where the baby has already been born and the mother has decided she wants to place her baby with an adoptive family. In a crisis situation there is usually not a lot of information available about the mother or the baby, and saying “Yes!” to one is a total leap of faith.

We got a call on Wednesday, August 30, about a two-day old baby girl, born to a mother who was incarcerated and had decided to place her baby for adoption. The information was so minimal…they could only really guess how much the baby had be exposed to drugs and alcohol. They were not aware of who the father was and if he would want to parent. We prayed and talked to a friend of ours who is a medical professional, and with all the unknowns we could not stop smiling. We decided to put ourselves forward with 6 other families.

Our social worker told us to get a few things ready just in case we were chosen. She told us to enjoy a night out together and warned us to not get our hopes up because it was not a sure thing.

We went to Babies R Us and bought a carseat and some little premie outfits. We had our last date night eating sushi and gushing about potentially picking up OUR baby the next day! We finished all the projects in the nursery…hanging the curtains…organizing the diapers and swaddles. We were so full of hope.

If only we had guarded our hearts.

After two anxious days of waiting…of checking our emails every other minute…of constantly watching our phones…of getting updates that the mother was delaying her decision…we found out that she chose a different family. I took the news in stride. I prepared myself to emotionally deal with the news in anyway I needed to. What I did not expect was how the news impacted my husband.

He had planned a whole weekend spent with his brand new daughter. He imagined us driving down to the hospital to pick her up. He saw himself waking up early on Saturday to feed her while they watched the rugby. He pictured everything. And one phone call took that all away.

Looking back now, I know that baby was never ours. My husband and I both grieved in different ways and it taught us that adoption is messy and heartbreaking. For us to have a family, we have to destroy another one. That is a reality that I am coming to terms with even now. This journey has not been an easy one…filled with pain, disappointment, doubt and longing. But it has also been one of hope and promise. We trust that our baby will come to us in HIS timing, and are excited to finally one day become parents.

A Year Later…An Adoption Update

This post was written back in February, and only recently have I had the courage to post it. I am trying to be vulnerable and transparent throughout this entire process, and that is not easy. I struggled with the feelings and emotions in this post, but I owe it to myself, Baby M, and those who have committed to stand by us. So here it is:

A year ago we finished all of our paperwork, took adorable adoption portfolio photos, and shared our news with the world about wanting to adopt. So here we are a year later…and not much has changed in regards to our wanting to adopt. We thought we should give you all an update about where we are at and how the past year has gone…So hear it goes…

2016…the year we thought we would add a baby to our family. Well most of you know that did not happen. Our agency, Adoption in Bloom in Boulder, did not have one placement/adoption in 2016. For the first three months that we were approved…I checked my phone and my email constantly. I was so sure that we would be receiving potential matches weekly, if not monthly. But we never received any. After months of silence from our agency I reached out via email. The agency had not been approached by anyone trying to place their baby. I tried to take that as positively as I could. So we waited…

Those first couple of months were incredibly hard. No one wants to know you are adopting…its uncomfortable and a lot of people pity your misfortune. And the longer you wait to adopt, the more they feel sorry for you. Struggling through infertility is incredibly lonely. Waiting to adopt is even lonelier. You watch as all of your friends start having babies. They tell you it won’t be long until you have your own. Except it is long. And its unpredictable. And as hard as you try to be present for their struggles and joys of motherhood, it breaks you down bit by bit. You start to hide your heart away, because the less you feel the easier it is to bear. You love the children in your life and you thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon your friends and family. But your heart hurts.

 

People around you ask about the adoption plans and how its all going. They don’t ask about the state of your heart, or your marriage, or how the waiting and disappointment affects both. Honestly, you don’t hold it against them. Because infertility and adoption are not the norm. Unless you have experienced either, its not a natural concern. And even when I am at my lowest, and feeling completely and utterly alone, I still have hope. I trust in a God who is bigger than our infertility, who is greater than our longing to be parents. He is working out our story in a way that I can’t even fathom. And I am so excited about what he has in store for us.

365 days later. Where does that leave us?

 

We are no longer with our agency. We felt that their lack of communication and placements were not something we could endure for another year. We went to a foster information meeting in Adams county, and didn’t feel that was our course, yet. So what are our next steps? After researching other local agencies, we decided to go with Lutheran Family Services of Denver. They are transparent with how many adoptions they facilitate annually and do not take on more families than they can support. We are currently on a waiting list with them and are hoping to become active with them in the next couple of months.

Our adoption story has not taken an easy or quick course; but we are not giving up. This past year has been hard, but it has also been a part of our story. We still cannot wait to meet Baby M, whenever that is meant to be.

Thoughts from November

A little something I wrote back in November:img_2211

Spent some time today just sitting in this room…our beautiful nursery. I seem to have avoided this room for the last couple of months. I guess I’ve been busy, preoccupied with other things, or I have learned to see how full and blessed my life is right now. The longing for our Baby M hasn’t subsided, but the feeling that we are lacking, empty, or not whole, has been graciously taken away.

When I think about our future child, which is often, I am reminded about how much time we have to prepare for them. This month marks 9 months of being approved and certified to adopt. Most families have 9 months to prepare for their baby’s arrival. We have been preparing our hearts and our home for much longer. And every day, week, month and year until we are given Baby M means more time for us to become the people, the parents, God has called us to be.

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I’m taking this season of waiting that we have been given and am using it to grow as a wife, a friend, a daughter, and a coworker. I’m celebrating all the things we get to do everyday before we become parents. Like sleeping in late on Saturday, spontaneous movie theater dates after work, projects around the house (so many projects) and filling up our time with people and things that we love. I’m working on putting my husband first, before myself, because when we become parents I will be tempted to put him last. And I’m searching for the joy and blessings in everything…taking moments to just sit in grace and gratitude.

 

The Struggle is Real

It’s officially been a year since I started this blog…which means that we have officially been on our adoption journey for more than 365 days. Its been a few months since my last blog post, and I think its time for some real talk…

 

Adoption has been apart of my story for almost a decade. It has been on my heart since I was 16 and I have always known it would be a part of how I grew my family one day. Now that might sound a little cray cray because how can anyone know what the future holds? Well you can call it whatever you want but when it comes to my call to adoption, I have not wavered once.

 

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Over the past 365 days I have been blessed with a divine sense of peace about who I will be as a mother and a steady trust in God to provide me with the children I am to care for. Friends have asked me how I am doing with the waiting process, and for the most part I have trusted God’s timing and provision (honestly and truthfully!). But I have only realized recently the walls that I have put up defensively to protect myself.

 

When people question me about adoption, it has been easier to talk about not wanting to get pregnant or do the whole birthing a baby thing. Now while those are true due to my current health and the uncertainty of what daily issues pregnancy could contribute to an already complicated life, I haven’t shared the whole truth with most people.

 

The whole truth is that my husband and I tried and failed to conceive for about a year. This was one of the hardest years of my life and a very trying time for our marriage. Each month I felt like a broken mess that for whatever reason couldn’t do what I was created to do. Not many people know about that year…because it is easier to smile and laugh then it is to cry and weep with those we surround ourselves with. And I am really good at putting up a strong front.

 

“Oh you’re adopting…I’m so sorry!” – the general public

 

Over the past five years we have faced enough pity from those who hear about our plans to adopt. When you throw infertility in to the mix, the responses become unbearable. Infertility is accompanied by shame and disappointment and pity, not just from the couple directly experiencing it, but also from those who are made aware of it. Friends, family, strangers…but most importantly those who are ignorant to the struggles of infertility end up making the most impact with those who are experiencing infertility.

 

I was adamant about this journey of adoption being documented for our future children to read. I want them to know how much they are longed for, wanted and loved. However, I think I have tried to separate our calling to adoption from our struggles with infertility. I wanted our future adopted children to know they were loved and wanted without the messy dialogue that infertility brings. And because of that, I have denied myself of the support I so terribly need.

 

I waited and waited and waited for God.
At last he looked; finally he listened.
Psalm 40:1

 

Most of the time I am still trusting in God’s timing and provision. However, there are moments, gut-wrenching and time-stopping moments, where I am floored with the feelings of longing and emptiness. Where I shut down and forget all the ways in which I am blessed. I know deep down that I will make a wonderful mother, if only I were given the chance. I can’t possibly know why my path is different than most. I don’t know why God is making me wait when almost everyone I know doesn’t have to. I am so overjoyed by those I know who are already growing their families. And I trust that those little ones that will be entrusted to us are coming soon…in their own way and in their own time.

 

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I look over at my husband…my darling Will. He is patient and kind and so understanding. He has agreed to walk this earth by my side, all the days of our lives. In him I find my support, my encouragement, and my strength to continue this crazy journey we have embarked on. Without him, I could not carry on.

 

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So friends, family, strangers…when you hear of someone experiencing infertility…please do not pity them. Do not give them advice on how to conceive (seriously…that happens!!). And when a crazy couple says to you that they are pursuing adoption…don’t tell them they are brave or better than yourself for doing something so uncommon. Don’t separate yourselves from them…rejoice with them…encourage them…pray for them! Don’t complain about your pregnancy when there are those who will never get to experience that miracle. Instead, support them by walking alongside them…by asking the hard questions…by being a shoulder to cry on. Don’t ask them how the waiting is going…ask them how their heart is faring through it all. Understand that every pregnancy and birth they witness is bittersweet.

 

You are a savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
-All Sons & Daughters

 

Research shows that 1 in every 8 couples experiences infertility. That means that in every close friendship group, someone is most likely experiencing infertility of some sort. I am that friend. It is time that I own who I am fully. It is time that I embrace the person God has created me to be. I don’t know how He will do it, but I know that he will take this brokenness and make it beautiful.

Home Study Visit {1}

I am so excited to share that WE ARE APPROVED TO ADOPT! After completing ALL the paperwork (and boy was it a lot!), doctors appointments, background checks, and a weekend of training, we were able to start the home study process.

 

Now I am going to be honest…I found the prospect of inviting a stranger into our home to evaluate us as future parents completely terrifying. As a couple, we wear our feelings and our hearts on our sleeves. Whenever we meet new people, I usually apologize at the start for anything my husband may share. We kinda lack filters, not in a crude inappropriate way, but in an awkward truth kind of way. The more nervous and uncomfortable we are in a situation, the more we reveal. And even though we are honest people with nothing to hide, I was still anxious about the whole situation. I mean what if I said something wrong and it changed the social worker’s opinion of me? What if we awkwardly joked about something that made us look like we would be terrible parents?

So with all of those worries and thoughts in my head, we stepped out and said “What will be will be.” Deep down I know that Will and I will be great parents. We have both been blessed beyond measure with the parents and families we grew up in. Our childhood memories are those of love, adventure, and stability. I look at Will as a husband and father to our fur babies and am so sure of the man I married. As a team we are awesome (if I do say so myself) and with our ups and downs we still laugh and love and have the best time.

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We met our social worker the first week of December 2015. She came to our perfectly cleaned and organized home and sat down with us for two hours. She asked us questions about why we wanted to adopt and all the questions you ask when getting to know someone. And I quickly realized that she wasn’t asking those questions to see if we fit a specific adoptive family criteria. She really wanted to know us personally…to build a study of who we are not only as people, but as a unit. Our likes, hobbies, jobs, and dreams. And for those two hours we talked with a sense of ease and feeling of peace. We did not try to impress or win her over. We just talked about us.

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Ice Skating in Denver – One of our favorite things

Just like that…one of the three visits I had been so terrified about was over. We kept looking at each other and saying “Was that really it?”. I mean, ok, we still had two more visits (one being the individual interviews), but wow what a feeling. It wasn’t the paperwork or training that made me realize we could do this. It is the partnership I have with my husband, the life we have already built together, and trust in our God who has called us to adoption. Baby M we love you already and cannot wait for you to be ours.

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Painting the Nursery for Baby M – Blog Post Coming Soon

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for Home Study Visit {2}

 

 

Adoption Announcement Photoshoot

We are coming to the end of our homestudy (post coming soon about our experience) and when it is finalized (the 2nd week of January) we will be eligible to be matched to a birth parent and baby!

 

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It is our plan to send out a “We are hoping to Adopt” Announcement at the start of the year! This is to let our extended family and friends know about our adoption plans and to enable the people in our lives to support us, either through prayer, sharing our story, or financially through donations.

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We are praying for a baby to join this House Full of Pecks in 2016! We know that adoption is hard, that the process can take years, but we are staying positive and praying for God to bring our baby to us this year. That might sound crazy or naive, but we are stepping out in faith and trusting God’s plan for us. And as hopeful as we are for a baby in 2016, we are willing to wait as long as it takes for our baby!

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And what is an adoption announcement without a photoshoot?!?!? I met Kate this past summer when I drove her and a few other high school girls around Erie for the Amazing Race. This is an event for High School students who are part of our Church youth group, which I have been volunteering with since this summer.  It was a really fun afternoon and our team came in 2nd Place! Anyways, I have come to know Kate over this past semester at youth group and discovered she has a love for photography! She is so kind, has a great heart, and I knew she would be perfect to take our photos! And let me tell you what an awesome time we had!

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Kate made us feel really comfortable and was able to capture us and our personalities so well. She even managed to get a few of the four of us, despite Miss Bennett not co-operating! We would highly recommend her for any and all of your photoshoots and will definitely be using her for our photoshoots in the future! You can see more of her work on her website

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I am currently finishing up our adoption profile book that will be viewed by birth parents for a potential match! This journey has been so beautiful and has taught both of us about not only trusting in the Lord for his provision and timing, but to treasure this time of waiting as he prepares us to be parents. I spoke to someone recently who had adopted through our agency and they said one of the most helpful things I have heard in regards to waiting. It is not a question of “if” we will get a child, but a question of “when” our child will become ours completely.

 

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We are also praying for our future birth parents…that they will see how much we already love this child, and how humbled we are to get to partner with them to raise this baby. We pray for strength and courage as they make their adoption plan and for wisdom in choosing. We are two imperfect people, striving to live a life worthy of the children we will be given.

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Thank you for taking the time to look at our pictures and for following us in our journey. We are so grateful for your prayers and support! If you would like to receive an adoption announcement and to support us in our adoption journey, please connect with me on here or on Facebook.

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“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
-Joshua 1:9

Lately…

So I am gonna be honest….its been awhile since my last post. And that is not because our adoption journey has been delayed in anyway. In fact it is moving along quicker than I had hoped at this point! But I guess I should bring you all up-to-date with a few changes we have experienced recently.

 

Back in August my husband got a new job…and I was left to manage the stores on my own (The UPS Store servicing hall residents at CU Boulder). It was not a great time for him to leave but it was a good move for us as a family. He is working for a small business that relocated to Boulder and is loving it. However, I had to deal with one of the busiest times of the year without him being by my side. But despite all my fears and anxiety about it…I rocked it! I can honestly say it went smoothly and I didn’t cry or lose my cool at all (which is HUGE for me!).

However…the stress and responsibility took a serious toll on my health. If you do not know…I suffer from severe migraines that come on for various reasons. I also have a head condition that makes the changing weather and pressure here in Colorado really difficult for me…like in bed all day can’t do anything difficult. Now…I am not a complainer. I am blessed beyond reason in so many aspects of my life. I don’t even like talking about my health (or lack of sometimes) as I know there are those who have to deal with much more than I do. But I got to a point where I knew I needed to make a few changes to get my health back to functioning.

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My pups looking after me during Thanksgiving break when I was sick.sick.sick

 

 

Before I moved back to America, I used to work as a teaching assistant supporting children with learning difficulties. I have always gone back and forth between becoming a fully-qualified teacher but have realized that I absolutely love working more one-on-one without all the paperwork and stress of running an entire classroom. So I decided that the happiest and healthiest I had been job-wise was working in that capacity. I applied for a ton of teaching assistant (para-educator) jobs and thanks be to God I was invited for an interview at a local elementary school in the town where I live. Well I guess I made a good impression because they hired meand were willing to work with me transitioning from my current job.

{Fast forward 5 weeks}

I LOVE my job! It has taken pretty much the last 5 weeks to really get into the rhythm of the job and to enable my students to get familiar and comfortable with me. It wasn’t easy. I had to deal with quite a few tantrums and chasing students down the hall or around the playground, but I did not give up. And believe it or not…I have only had 2 migraines since starting my new job (thats two migraines in 5 weeks when I was getting migraines 3-4 times per week!!!!!). I have also found a doctor who totally wants to figure out why my body just doesn’t get some things right and that is so awesome!

{Our Adoption Journey}

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Will learning how to swaddle our “baby” at our adoption core training class…He is going to be such a great dad!

 

 

We completed our Core training in November with Adoption Choices of Colorado. What.an.eye.opener. The weekend training (required to adopt in Colorado) was fantastic! Our trainer focused on the differences between open, semi-open, and closed adoptions, what questions to ask when called about a potential match, and what to expect and hospital etiquette when the baby is born. We have always been pretty sure about wanting what is best for our baby first, and then making sure the birth mother is included in a way that is good and healthy for the baby. I would say that we had a few “definites” change to “umm…we are open to discussion” as we were made aware of very possible realities with the birth family and how that can affect the emotional development of our baby. We also were completely naive to the harsh reality that our baby would most likely be subject to alcohol and drugs for any sort of time period, depending on when the birth mother finds out she is pregnant and when she alters her habits for the benefit of the baby.

What was so reassuring was our complete trust in God as we follow our calling to adoption. As much as I would like a stress-free match and placement (including the relationship with the birth mother/family) and as much as my heart desires a happy and healthy baby, I know that this world is broken and imperfect…and our baby will be loved no matter the circumstances that have brought them into this world. We cannot wait to meet our little baby…I feel like we already know them and are just waiting for them to be given to us forever. I imagine seeing their little face…holding their little fingers…counting their tiny toes…and loving them with everything I have to give.

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Loving on my hubby at Friendsgiving…so blessed to have a man to call my own with a huge heart for adoption. Baby (My) we CANNOT wait for you to be ours!

 

So we have decided not to worry about the details…that we will know when we get offered the right match…and we will go into it with open hearts and a desire to do what is best, not only for our baby, but for their birth family. I have no idea what that is going to look like…and frankly thats ok with me. What parent honestly can say they had everything figured out prior to their first baby being born? If you did…please share some of your wisdom!

Baby (M) we cannot wait to be chosen to love, care, and parent you for as long as we are given (hopefully forever). You are already so loved my darling…and your mummy and daddy are longing for you to be home.

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Ashley xoxo