I wrote about our “almost adoption situation” that happened back in September. Well it happened again…so I thought I would share our experience.
Christmas was beautifully busy! We had Will’s oldest brother, his wife, and two sons visit us for 2 weeks over Christmas and New Years. Our nephews are 4 and 16 months old and we jumped right in with reading stories, building legos, singing the same song 345,693 times, and just having an absolute blast! Our house was boisterous, loud, and full of joy! After living for 6 years with just the two of us…we got to experience how full our life could be with children.
After those two weeks, they returned to England. Our house was quiet and we felt their departure in more ways than one.
Those two weeks showed us the ups and downs of parenthood. Our time spent with our nephews was exciting and exhausting…happy and hard. Parenthood is not all rainbows and roses…its hard work. What we learned was that even when it is hard, those cheeky little smiles and their endearing hearts make it all worth it!
After they left, I emailed our social worker to ask if our book had been looked at by any expectant parents. Our social worker emailed back with a potential situation. This was another crisis situation (where there was little information about the mother and the pregnancy). We had to decide if we wanted our book to be shown. One aspect of the expectant mother’s pregnancy fell within one of our “maybe” parameters…something that was not a hard no…but something we needed to discuss first.
We decided to move forward and have our book shown. We got excited because there was hardly any alcohol or drug exposure, which is very rare. So we got our hopes up…
Well delay after delay after delay…the agency decided the expectant mother was not ready to make an adoption plan and our book was never shown. We still had hope that maybe over the last two weeks before she gave birth that she would change her mind. She never did.
We found out on a Monday that they were not going to proceed with an adoption plan with her. I was at work and I was disappointed but dealt with it as I could. I anticipated Will being more emotionally upset because that is what happened last time.
What I did not anticipate was the grief that hit me like a semi-truck that evening…
For the first time in this entire journey I completely doubted my future of becoming a mother. I listened to that terrible voice that told me “I am not worthy to be a mom…I am broken and will never be able to grow our family.” It was a really dark place that I did not even know existed within me.
Thank God for my husband and a few girlfriends that I was brave enough to share those deep dark feelings with. They reminded me that I will be a mother…that there is hope…and that I need to trust in a God who is bigger than my circumstances, rejections, and feelings!
We survived our second “crisis” situation…both different in experience but same in outcome. I know without a doubt that our baby will come to us…but this waiting has not gotten any easier. The longer we wait, the harder we find this whole process. We look at our home, our capacity to love, and our ability to give a child the best life…and we do not understand why we have not been chosen yet.
I keep reminding myself that for us to have our family, another one must be torn apart. That is a reality that will always be apart of our story. When I am angry and sad that we do not have our baby, I have to remind myself that whomever decides to place their baby with us will spend the rest of their life without their child. That is a sacrifice that I could never comprehend or understand.
“It’s important to realize that we adopt not because we are rescuers.
No, we adopt because we are rescued.”
When we look back one day, there will be no doubt about how much this baby was wanted and longed for. People will say that we redeemed our child’s story by adopting them, but the truth is…that baby is going to be the one who makes our entire journey through infertility completely worth it.